


Isolation

by LicieOIC



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Duplicate Doctor, F/M, crackfic, duplicate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-27
Packaged: 2018-01-10 05:03:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1155414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LicieOIC/pseuds/LicieOIC
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Eleventh Doctor had the incident with the Ganger double. The Tenth Doctor had the Metacrisis double. The Ninth Doctor also had a double at one time, when the Tardis decided to help her Time Lord with a problem... Whether he wanted it or not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Isolation

**Author's Note:**

> No explicit sex, but naughty things are talked about, so be warned! This was inspired by and based on a song by Bo Burnham. That man is a comedic genius!

_ _

_Hello, Doctor._

“Hello.”

The Doctor was just waking from his three hour sleep cycle, perfectly timed to coincide with the end of his human companions’ traditional eight hours. The Tardis greeted him with her usual smooth, soft tones. Him being telepathically bonded to the ship, however, allowed him to translate what she was saying more directly.

_How are you feeling?_

“I’m all right.” He rubbed at his eyes and groaned as he got out of bed, frowning as he did so. This regeneration came with a few creaks in the joints, it annoyed him when they drew attention to themselves.

_Has the treatment been working?_

She meant masturbating. “No, not really.” His frustration with the situation was evident in his tone and, reminded, he adjusted himself through his pants. He was already maddeningly hard, just from the dreams he’d had... Long blonde hair, warm, smooth expanses of soft, pale skin... He groaned, fighting to put the images away, deep in the recesses of his brain.

He’d been drawn to Rose ever since the word ‘run,’ and it had only escalated as time went on. When he had realized the strength of his attraction, he’d started taking cold showers before meeting her in the console room and, when that had stopped working, masturbation. But it was only a plaster on the huge gaping wound that were his hearts.

_What are your remaining symptoms?_

He rolled his eyes as he began putting on his jeans and a dark jumper. “I hate myself, I’m rude to my companions and, well, everyone, really, I try not to think about what the other members of my species might think of my recent habits...”

_Irrelevant, you are the last of your species._

“Yeah, thanks for pointing that out, I’d almost forgotten.”

_There is no need for sarcasm, Doctor. Your problem is simple._

He paused in the act of retrieving his leather jacket from the back of an overstuffed armchair. This was the first time the Tardis had expressed having an opinion on the subject. Well, she was older than he was, maybe she had some valuable insights, he’d just never thought to ask. Sentient or not, she was still a time-space ship at the end of the vortex and he was a highly advanced Time Lord. It seemed a bit silly to think that the Tardis, however marvelous she might be, would have advice for him. And yet, it seemed, she did.

“Go on.”

_Your emotion and logic, creativity and analysis, and most simply, your left and right brain are at war._

It made sense. A human might have said his head and his heart were at war, but the heart had nothing to do with the emotions he was having difficulty with. It was the opposing sides of his brain that were the issue.

 _To fix the problem,_ the Tardis went on, _you must separate them from each other._

He had to admit she had a point. Maybe he should take Rose and Jack to the Powell Estate for a while, spend some time in isolation so he could decompress, take a step back, and look at things objectively. He was thinking about how long it would take him to reach a conclusion, figuring in the calculations, and almost missed what the Tardis said next,

_Splitting your neurological functions in five... four... three..._

“Wait, what?”

_Two... one..._

“You can’t just--!”

_This may hurt a bit. Zero._

* * *

Rose and Jack ran toward the sound of the Doctor screaming, still in their jim jams, having just woken up. Well, Rose was in her jim jams, which consisted of little cotton shorts and a matching camisole. Jack was wearing a short robe that he was still in the process of tying. She doubted he was wearing much underneath, if anything at all.

The lights coming from the area where the Doctor’s bedroom currently lay were flickering wildly. Rose’s heart thudded hard in her chest. She’d never heard anything so agonizing! Had something come aboard the Tardis? Were they under attack?

The screams stopped just as Rose flung open the door and her and Jack stumbled inside. The lights came back up with the sound of a ‘ding,’ much like that of an egg timer. She stared in shock.

There were two Doctors standing in the room. They looked at each other, then at Rose and Jack. The one on the left cast a dirty look at the ceiling while the one on the right waved at the two gobsmacked companions with a sheepish smile.

“Two Doctors,” Rose said, utterly confused.

“I can’t tell you what I’m thinking right now,” said Jack. Rose elbowed him in the side.

“Rose!” said the Doctor on the right, a happy expression lighting up his face. He immediately engulfed her in a huge hug, which was not _so_ unusual, aside from the fact that it was out of no where. But then, he turned his face to nuzzle her hair and took a deep breath. “You always smell so _good,”_ he murmured.

Rose’s eyes went wide. That was _definitely_ un-Doctor-like behavior. Just as she thought it, the Doctor on the left jerked the first one away from her.

“Stop that!” he said, his forehead creasing as he frowned.

“I’m you!” the huggy Doctor told him. “No need to be jealous!”

The second Doctor sputtered. “I am _not_ jealous! What’s there to be jealous about? It’s just not... proper to... man-handle my companion like that!”

 _“Our_ companion.”

“Um...” She looked from one Doctor to the other, not sure whom to address. They looked at her with identical blue eyes, slightly startled as though just remembering she was still there. “Care to explain what’s going on?” she asked. “This isn’t some kind of... trick, is it?”

“Oh, it’s a trick, all right,” said the Doctor on the left, hands on hips. “A dirty bloody trick. Hold on, I’ll let her explain herself, this ought to be good.” He looked at the ceiling again. “Voice interface.”

A shimmery blue hologram flickered into being between the two Doctors, in the shape of Captain Jack. The actual Jack gave a low, appreciative whistle.

“Well, I think we know who the favorite is now,” he said, lifting his eyebrows at Rose, who rolled her eyes.

“Just because you flirt with anything sentient...”

The hologram gestured at the Doctor on the left, who was currently pulling off his dark jumper, causing Rose to blush at the sudden view of his naked chest. He seemed oblivious to the fact that he was half-nude in front of his companions, his focus was on rifling through his dresser for a new top.

 _“This is the Doctor’s left brain,”_ said the voice interface in a straight-forward version of Jack’s voice. _“He is objective, logical, cold, analytical. Aware of patterns. Aware of trends. He’s efficient... And a prat.”_

“Oi!” Left brain Doctor frowned at the image of Jack as he pulled on a crisp white tuxedo shirt, presumably the only clean shirt his dresser had left in it.

The hologram then gestured at the Doctor wearing the dark jumper on the right, who was currently flicking the sonic screwdriver on and off and grinning like mad at the blue node at the end of it.

 _“This is the Doctor’s right brain,”_ said the interface. _“Subjective, creative, sensory. Aware of feelings, aware of people. He’s emotional... and a bit of an idiot.”_

“That’s your opinion,” said the Doctor in the jumper.

The hologram of Jack actually smiled a bit. _“Play nice, boys,”_ it said, right before it disappeared.

Jack blew out a breath and ruffled his dark hair. “Rose, would you mind putting the kettle on? It’s way too early for this.”

“Sure.” Rose cast one last look at the two Time Lords. The one in the white shirt grabbed the sonic away from the one in the jumper, who looked like he was very nearly about to pout in response. She shook her head, then turned and headed for the galley. They could probably all do with a nice cuppa and some breakfast.

As soon as Rose was out of the room, Jack turned back to the Doctors. “All right, she’s gone, tell me why the Tardis decided to take matters into her own, metaphorical, hands.”

“Why’d you send Rose out of the room?” asked Right Brain Doctor, looking wistfully out the door.

“Because you have a habit of not being very truthful when Rose is in the room,” said Jack. Left brain Doctor looked away and sniffed at that, but didn’t deny it. Jack held out one hand, palm-up. “So, spill.”

The Doctors looked at each other. One sighed and the other shrugged. “She said something about the two sides of my brain opposing one another...”

“Because I love Rose,” said the jumper Doctor.

Jack blinked as the Doctor in the shirt smacked the other one in the arm. “Well,” said Jack. “I guess _that_ you doesn’t lie.”

“He _can’t_ lie,” said the Left Brain, derisively. “He’s all feelings. Wears them all right out in the open without me to hold him back. He likes bananas and the smell of biscuits makes him happy--”

“And Rose! She makes me happy!”

Left Brain glared at his other self. “--And cries for an hour after watching Toy Story 3.”

The Right Brain Doctor waggled his head at the Left. “Well, all you do is work, work, work. I might be a little all over the place--”

“A little?”

“But at least I’m trusting. We’d never go anywhere if it wasn’t for me.”

“Trusting.” Left Brain snorted. “You mean ‘lusting.’”

Right brain put his hands on his hips. “What if we are?”

“What do you mean, we?”

“Oh, come off it,” said Right Brain. “Just because I’m round the other side of the cranium, doesn’t mean I don’t see what you do.” He pranced a bit, affecting a high, mocking tone of voice. “‘Ooh, here comes our lovely female companion! Quick, puff out the chest, take out the sonic, pretend to fix something, make sure you look impressive!’”

Left Brain cross his arms over his chest, indignant. “Our evolutionary purpose is to repopulate. It’s especially poignant in our case! If I occasionally look at Rose in... certain ways... it’s just to gather data to see if she’s a possible mate.”

The Doctor in the jumper snorted. “Possible mate. She’s the only mate we’ve shown interest in for centuries!”

“Oh, you just want somewhere to put your penis, that’s what got us into this mess, because rubbing one out isn’t good enough anymore.”

Jack hastily smothered his laughter behind both of his hands. That was definitely not a sentence he’d EVER expected to hear from the Doctor. At least, not without a minimum of five hyper-vodkas in him.

Right Brain poked the other Doctor in the chest, indignantly. “Rose is NOT ‘somewhere to put your penis,’ thank you very much. She’s brilliant and wonderful, there’s something about her, I just can’t describe it...”

The Doctor in the white shirt rolled his eyes. “I can. They’re called tits.”

Right Brained Doctor wasn’t listening to his counterpart, however. He strode about the room, gesticulating, his blue eyes bright. “I am the Earth and she’s the glorious sun! I want her to trust me. And I just want her to...” He squinted at Jack. “How do I put it?”

“Sit on your face?” Jack suggested.

The Doctor in the jumper grinned and pointed at the other Doctor. “That’s it! Sit on my face!”

“All right, Right Brain, now you’re being insane,” said the Doctor, putting his hands out in front of him as though to calm a wildly behaving animal.

“No, Lefty,” said the other Doctor, snarkily. “I’m just being _alive._ You should try it sometime, you might like it.”

The Doctor in the shirt crossed the room in a few strides, standing nose to nose with his double. “I was the one who worked hard to give him what he cared about. You were the one always whinging and going on about the things he can’t change. I have to be calm and collected just so you don’t make him fly the bloody Tardis into the nearest sun!”

“Oh, you think you know everything!” said the Doctor wearing the jumper. He pushed the other Doctor in the chest, making him back up several feet. “You don’t know anything at all! Half his problems were supposed to be mine! But you wanted _everything._ Well, I hope you’re happy, because he sure isn’t!”

“Well, according to my calculations, hold on, let me check the math...” The Left Brain waved the sonic in the direction of the other Doctor and held it up to see the readings. “Yep, you’re a twat.”

“Really?” he asked, arms going limp at his sides in disbelief. “Name calling? You’re resorting to name calling now?”

“I’m not calling names, I’m just stating facts, and the fact is, you are a quivering twat.”

 _“I’m_ the twat? Well, at least I don’t play with toys still.”

“Rassilon Cubes are _not_ toys! They keep my spatial reasoning skills sharp!”

Right Brain pointed and laughed at his stodgy counterpart. “Left Brain plays with toys! Billy No-Mates bloody Toy-Player!”

“At least I did my bloody job!” Left Brain shouted, pushing his other half back. “I kept him traveling, kept him productive!” He poked him in the chest. _“You_ were supposed to look after him and keep him emotionally stable after everything he’s had to do, and now you’re trying to blame _me_ for how he’s feeling? How he’s _feeling!_ If he’s feeling unhappy, it’s because _you_ failed him. _You_ did this to him, he hates you, I know he does! He bloody hates you!”

The Doctor in the jumper had turned away from his other self in the midst of the tirade. He appeared to be looking at the ceiling. Then he sniffled.

The Left Brained Doctor blinked in disbelief. “Are you... _crying?”_

“I’m not crying, you’re crying,” said the Right Brained Doctor in a choked voice.

Left Brain sighed and went over to the touchy-feely Doctor, patting him awkwardly on the shoulder. “Look, I’m sorry.”

He shook off the other Doctor‘s hand. “No, you’re not!”

The Doctor wearing the shirt rubbed a hand over his short-cropped hair. Looking toward the door, he finally noticed that Jack had left, probably while they’d been yelling at each other, and was presumably keeping Rose busy while he hashed things out with... well, himself. Hadn’t that been the reasoning behind the Tardis sticking her big, sentient, metaphorical nose into his business?

“Maybe,” he said, slowly, “maybe we could work together. Instead of being on opposing sides.”

His tearful self was still avoiding looking at him. “Together?”

“Yeah. Take the best parts of both of us, and put them together.”

He looked over his jumper-clad shoulder. “I’m listening.”

“Rose deserves the best, yeah?” The Right Brained Doctor nodded. “So, we give her the best. I let you get your feelings out, you let me analyze. I’ll concentrate on the form while you take care of the theme. Because I doubt Rose wants to take care of either one of us, separately.” They both laughed a bit. “I mean, look at us, we’re rubbish! But together... maybe we can give her something special. Something we can both do.”

“Juggling?”

The Left Brained Doctor closed his eyes briefly, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Love, you bloody idiot. I was talking about loving her.”

“All right, then.” Right Brain turned back around, a tentative smile on his daft face.

 _Isolation complete,_ came the voice of the Tardis in each of their minds. _Initiate reassembly._

“Okay, okay, Right Brain,” said the Left Brain, his words coming in a rush. “We’re going to love Rose, together, all right?”

“Together,” the Right Brain repeated, nodding emphatically.

“We can fix him like this,” said the Left Brain, decisively, calculations and possible time lines whirling through his peripheral vision. “Rose will make him happy again, I promise.”

The Right Brain stretched out one hand to his other half. “Left brain... Left Brain, you’re fantastic.”

As the Tardis counted down from five, the Left Brain quirked a little half-smile. “I know.”

_Zero. Experimentation complete._

* * *

Jack and Rose looked up expectantly as the Doctor walked into the galley. He was wearing his leather coat over his jeans and jumper combo. Both companions looked around him, but no one else followed in behind. He was alone. Well... not alone. He had his brain back together again. And it had been surprisingly painless, after what he’d gone through in the separation.

He crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame. “I’m back,” he said. “I’m one Doctor again.” He blew out a breath. “And let me tell you, that was one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever had to do. There should never be more than one of me at a time.”

“Was pretty bizarre on our end, too,” said Jack.

The Doctor shook his head. “You don’t know bizarre until you’re watching yourself say pe--” He glanced at Rose and reddened slightly. “--the things I saw myself say. I much prefer having all of my brain in one head.”

Rose stood up from the table and moved closer, almost shyly, as she eyed him up and down. “So... everything’s back to normal, then? All sorted?”

He tilted his head, considering. “Well... I suppose there’s one thing that needs taking care of.”

“What?”

“This.”

He captured Rose’s chin in his hand and lowered his mouth to hers, sliding his tongue past her lips at her surprised squeak. The pleasure centers in his mind lit up like the Tardis console at her flavor, enhanced by the tea she’d drunk. He groaned low, in the back of his throat, and was answered with a little moan from her.

Jack laughed, “About time!”

The Doctor lifted his head and glared at him, then swept a very dazed Rose into his arms and carried her down the hallway, intent on using _both_ sides of his brain to ensure a fantastic time was had by each of them.


End file.
